An American Marriage

Mars Hill Audio sheds light, in their latest volume, on why Americans want to marry more than Europeans and why Americans much more often than Europeans end up divorced, too.

It comes down to twin commitments--marriage and individualism--both of them uniquely dear to Americans, and incompatible over the long haul.

It seems like everyone in America wants to marry at some point in their life, even gays. Not so in Europe. But here it's still seen as a sign of the good life, regardless of whether it happens after co-habitation and children.

However, America is also the land of expressive individualism. If your marriage doesn’t fulfill you, you are almost obliged to leave it. What matters most is self-fulfillment.

It doesn’t seem to matter that we are such a religious nation; individualism trumps faith commitments. In fact, the churches that have grown the most are those that have learned to cater to the individual with a self-fulfillment message.

What should we do? Learn what marriage is for. To put it briefly, marriage is for the mutual help of husband and wife, for bringing up godly children, and for preventing immorality. (WCF 24.2)

Witness to divorce

I went to the courthouse today to testify in an emergency custody hearing. The family court occupies a large part of the stately downtown county courthouse and is teeming with bustling attorneys and their bitter or broken clientele.

Perhaps most surprising to me was the upbeat, helpful court staff. I would have thought that dealing with such depressing domestic matters day after day would cast a thick gloom over the whole place, but I watched one needy or hardened person after another receive cheerful assistance from the waiting room clerk.

But the courtroom itself was a different feel altogether. The plaintiff and defendant, who you would never guess are actually husband and wife, sat shielded by their attorneys who exchanged meagre greetings and then shuffled papers waiting for the judge. The tension was palpable and even my pulse raced, waiting and hoping I wouldn't interfere with justice being done. Cruel lawyer games were played by the wife's attorney, apparently calculated to rile up the husband and cause doubt in the judge's mind about his parental fitness. The most intimate of relationships was mined for ammunition in a hideous, hellish, pitiless contest to destroy the husband and secure custody of the child.

I would say that the husband won the first round today, but there can be no winner in what I saw. I left the courtroom praying that my loved ones will never experience such a painful result of the Fall.

What he must be if he wants to marry my daughter

The title of this new book intrigued me so I bumped it ahead of several others in my stack to read. Also, Kristin has been encouraging me to start talking with Grace (9) about modesty, young men, etc so this book was also timely for me.

Here's a one sentence summary: since the typical approach to dating has many serious drawbacks, fathers need to exercise their biblical responsibilities by protecting their daughters until they are ready for marriage and pro-actively help them find the right man to marry.

Baucham breaks down the picture of "the right man" into 10 godly qualities fathers should look for in a future son-in-law. Among these are

He must be a Christ follower;
He must be prepared to lead;
He must lead like Christ;
He must be committed to children (which includes a commitment to have them, invest in them, and support them).

In each category, Baucham includes arguments for these propositions and provides biblical answers to the most common objections. I found it especially helpful that he anticipates a number of concerns that young women may have. He also understands that few young men fit these criteria and addresses that with a series of recommendations.

Examples from the author's counseling experience are sprinkled throughout the chapters making this an easy read. This book is a good and practical "headship handbook" and is the first I've seen to consider the topic from this angle.

Avoiding the Big-D

There was a U-Haul truck in a neighbor's driveway yesterday, not a strange sight for an on-base neighborhood. But gossip travels fast in military housing and we're told that the neighbors are not moving away, just away from each other.

Divorce is frightening. I think because most of the time you don't see it coming until it's too late. By the time you realize that you're heading for--in the words of a recent country song--"the big-D (and I don't mean Dallas)", hearts have been hardened, bitterness has taken root, and salvaging the relationship is unlikely.

I pray that God will use even this event to turn my neighbors' hearts toward Him. This "near-miss" also soberly reminds me that the same can happen in any house on this block--including mine. I must remember my vows and ask God to strengthen me to keep them while I guard against the enemy of our marriage that lives within me (my own sinful nature).

Good examples of marriages are so helpful. Take this one for instance. I can't help but be impressed at how he studies and serves his wife. Look at these two questions he uses to love his wife comprehensively and let them challenge you.

Do you know how to surprise and delight your spouse in specific ways in each of these areas?

clothing sizes, styles, and stores
jewelry
health
exercise
books and magazines
movies
the arts
sports
food
music
entertainment
places to visit
intellectual interests
hobbies
vacations/getaways
and, of course, sex

Do you know how your spouse is faring in each of these areas?

theological knowledge
practice of the spiritual disciplines
growth in godliness
spiritual gifts that can be used to serve others
involvement in the local church
relationships with children
relationships with parents
relationships with in-laws
relationships with friends
personal retreats
fears
hopes
dreams
disappointments
temptations

Let's take our marriage relationships seriously and thus avoid the big-D.

Nineteen hundred and ninety-four

Fourteen years ago I had the great honor of marrying Kristin. Since that day of joy and gladness, she has been true to her word, performing her wedding vow to me with love regardless of circumstance. I am firmly convinced that God brought Kristin into my life to save and sanctify me. She is truly a remarkable woman, a help-meet, completing me in very significant ways on a daily basis. "A man who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD" (Proverbs 18:22).

Overheard

"How many sins do I commit a day, every day!?! And on one hand can I count the times someone has rebuked me."

I heard this remark today; it's an interesting statement. Now no one should read this and overcorrect. Don't be the person with the "gift of rebuke" that goes around looking for someone, somewhere, doing something wrong somehow. But the Proverbs do speak of the wounds of a friend being better than the kisses of an enemy. For my part, I think most correction should come from within the marriage relationship. For a good post on how to properly do this read this from pastor C.J. Mahaney and his wife.

Valentine's Day Challenge

I need to take more seriously my responsibility to improve my marriage. To that end, I have the following plan and would like to know if other husbands will join me with their own?

Sometime this month I will arrange for a babysitter and take Kristin out for a date. Several days before the date I will provide her with the following list of questions* for us to discuss during dinner.

1. What circumstances are challenging or troubling you right now?
2. What decisions that need to be made are most weighing on you?
3. How are you currently experiencing temptation? This week? In this season?
4. Are you more aware of your sin or how Christ is at work in you?
5. In what ways do you most need my leadership?
6. Where do you need me to provide more spiritual direction/nurture?
7. What passage of scripture would you like us to meditate on together? As a family?
8. How can I help you set priorities?
9. In what area do we need to be more unified?
10. Do you know where I most need your help/input

That's the plan. Kinda simple, but I think it'll be good. So anybody else want to encourage me in this and possibly do something similar with your wife this month?

*questions taken from Family Room blog Covenant Life Church, Gaithersburg Md.

Pride and Prejudice

Each year at Valentines we set aside a few evenings to enjoy the BBC production of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice. First, the disclaimer. This is no girly book or girly movie, although it is a favorite of the girls in my family. As a matter of fact, one of Austen's purposes is to point out the folly of mushy, sentimentality in relationships. Through fascinating characters, some witty, some terribly silly, Austen effectively illustrates the basis for good and poor marriages. This movie (the BBC production!), or better yet, the novel, is a useful tool for teaching singles about marriage.